Befriend Yourself With Self-Compassion: Suggestions from Your Online Maryland Therapist
What if you could give yourself the same love that you’d give to a cherished friend?
Life is, inevitably, hard for everyone at times— as an online therapist in Maryland, I hear about this every week. Wouldn’t it be nice to know that, even in our darkest hours, we had someone on our side that cared deeply about us—wanted us to be well and happy and acknowledged that we were doing the best we can in dealing with the suffering of our lives? By developing a strong sense of self-compassion, we can be that steadfast friend to ourselves.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Simply put, self-compassion is all about treating yourself with the kindness and understanding you would extend to a loved one. It's about being gentle with yourself when you make mistakes, acknowledging your struggles, and embracing your imperfections.
Why Is This important?
We live in a world that often bombards us with messages of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations. Society tells us we need to have it all figured out, be flawless, and achieve great things without breaking a sweat. But guess what? Life doesn't work that way. We're all humans, and we're bound to stumble, fall, and make mistakes along the way. And that's where self-compassion comes in handy.
Imagine having a friend who is always there for you, no matter what. They cheer you up when you're feeling down, lend a listening ear when you need to vent, and offer a helping hand when you're overwhelmed. Good news—that's the kind of friend you can be to yourself through self-compassion.
Self-compassion is about embracing your humanity, accepting your flaws, and understanding that you're doing the best you can in any given moment. It's not about beating yourself up for your shortcomings or dwelling on past mistakes. Instead, it's about recognizing that we're all imperfect, and that's what makes us beautifully unique.
TipS for Self-Compassion from your maryland online therapist
Practice self-kindness: Treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and support you would offer to a dear friend. When you make a mistake or face a setback, instead of berating yourself, offer words of encouragement and reassurance.
Embrace mindfulness: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness allows you to observe your inner experiences with a sense of curiosity and openness, rather than getting caught up in self-criticism.
Let go of perfectionism: Accept that perfection is an illusion and that making mistakes is a natural part of life. Embrace the idea that failure is an opportunity for growth and learning, rather than a reflection of your self-worth.
Set healthy boundaries: Prioritize your well-being and learn to say no when necessary. Taking care of yourself and respecting your own needs is an act of self-compassion.
Celebrate your successes: Give yourself a pat on the back for your achievements, no matter how big or small. Acknowledge your hard work and progress, and don't hesitate to celebrate your victories.
Myths About Self-COmpassion
Self-compassion is selfish. Compassion is not pizza—having some for yourself does not mean there is any less available for others. In fact, having self-compassion allows us to continue to be caring and compassionate towards others because we aren’t caught in the toxic Swamp of Shame (I imagine that like the Upside Down version of the chocolate swamp in the Candyland game). Brène Brown points to research that demonstrates that the most compassionate people are the ones with the best boundaries.
Self-compassion makes us complacent. Hopefully we have gained some wisdom in life that tells us that shaming and berating someone is a terrible way to motivate them—whether it’s a coach, a teacher, a parent, or ourselves attempting do to the motivating. Self-compassion isn’t about saying, “Don’t bother. Don’t try”. It’s acknowledging that things don’t always go our way, that we are human with lots of ups and downs, and we deserve positive encouragement to keep going.
Self-compassion is just weak or soft. Self-compassion can be tender and kind. But it can also be fierce. It can insist upon our worth and dignity and goodness, even in the face of others that may try to tell us otherwise. Dr. Kristin Neff is the top dog of self-compassion research, writing and practice. Some of her most recent work is about this very thing—the strength of fierce self-compassion. Research shows us that self-compassion is a massive contributor to resilience, which allows us to get through and recover from hard things.
Self-compassion is just self-pity. Self-pity is wallowing in our difficulty, bemoaning, “Why me?”. Self-compassion is not that. Self-compassion is the warm-hearted recognition that we belong in the circle of humanity—with all of us subject to the “10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows” of life that Buddhists speak of. We don’t have to compare our suffering to others. We can recognize that it is a challenge for all of us, including ourselves, to carry the portion of challenge and sorrow that our lives entail.
Try It Out (With a Misery-back Guarantee)
Extending yourself some self-compassion costs nothing and can take very little time. Give it a whirl. If it doesn’t do anything for you, you’ve lost nothing and you are free to continue on in the same old way. But wouldn’t it be nice to find even a small measure of ease, warmth and care? The next time you are feeling frustrated with yourself, what if you paused and wondered, “How would I respond to a very dear friend in this same circumstance?” Could you attempt to offer that same response to yourself? Maybe even with a hand gently over your heart, telling yourself exactly what you would say to that dear friend. Could you allow yourself to take that in and receive it, softening your belly and jaw and shoulders? Can you allow yourself to belong in the circle of humanity—humans that make mistakes and have bad days and don’t always know what to do? You get to belong. You don’t have to be the one person that’s not deserving of that inclusion.
Dr. Kristin Neff is exceedingly generous with her work and has an incredible list of free self-compassion practices available on her website, including exercises and audio downloads. Check them out, try it out for yourself.
A free consultation for Online therapy in Maryland
If you would like to truly feel that you are able to be a good friend and advocate for yourself, and treat yourself with both the tenderness and fierce loyalty that self-compassion can bring, I’d be happy to talk with you about how to make that happen. I see folks in my office in College Park and online throughout Maryland. If you’d like to explore working together , feel free to contact me for a free 15 minute phone consultation and find out more about my services as a Maryland therapist.
