“Yes, And…”: An Improv Mindset to Ease Anxiety From A Maryland Anxiety Therapist
Find more expansive thinking with a “Yes, and” approach.
I’m a big believer in the idea that none of our learning or experiences are wasted. Sure, some concepts and ideas have more lasting impact than others in our individual lives (sorry, periodic table of elements—you haven’t been personally relevant in my own life). But gaining wisdom is not a narrow, linear path. I like to think of it as an ongoing evolution and integration, always creating something new and greater than the sum of its parts.
My undergraduate degree was in theatre, which may look like it’s a far cry from a career as a Maryland anxiety therapist. But, I can promise you that there are things I learned then that keep informing my thinking and practice decades later.
One of my favorite things that I’ve carried forward is a spirit of, “Yes, and…”. “Yes, and” is a key concept from improvisational acting (performance that is made up on the spot, not scripted). When you are working with other actors to co-create something in the moment, you want to help each other out to keep the scene going. Since there’s no script and nobody is really a mind reader, you’ve got no clue if the direction you are trying to take the scene matches up at all with your scene partners’ ideas in their heads. So, you’ve got to keep it moving. “Yes, and" means that you basically accept whatever your partner is doing or saying in the scene and build on it from there. If your partner gives you information and you shut it down right away, you’ve thrown the scene off already and progress can stall out fast. You may have been thinking that you were acting as animals on a farm but your scene partner says something about the spaceship you arrived in. You’ve got to “Yes, and..” this by immediately accepting that you definitely arrived on a spaceship. Perhaps you are space cows (Yes, we came on a spaceship, and we are also cows). “Yes, and” is an agreement to collaboration and growth, no matter what arises.
“Yes, and” Vs. The Suffering Olympics
It can be difficult to reach out and ask for help. A Maryland anxiety therapist can help.
I have yet to meet a person that does not experience suffering in their life. Every single person I have met, in and out of the therapy room, has had their own experiences of loss, pain, fear, anger and suffering. It’s part of the human condition. People don’t come to see me for therapy because they have nothing better to do. They come because something isn’t working in their lives and they want better for themselves.
But I frequently hear a lot of versions of:
I know lots of other people have it worse.
This really shouldn’t bother me as much as it does.
My friends all have their problems and don't need to hear about mine.
It’s not like my parents were technically abusive.
I know I should just be grateful for what I have.
Ouch. The people saying these things are talking with me because they are already hurting but they are ready to double down on the suffering by insisting on feeling some sense of shame for having a hard time. Because there are “worse” pains in the world, somehow theirs don’t count as much, don’t make it to the medal stand of the Suffering Olympics. I don’t believe in this concept at all. I believe in “Yes, and”.
Yes, other people have dealt with tragic losses, and your suffering is real & matters too.
Yes, this does seem to be having a big impact on your life, and I can see how important this was to you so, of course, it’s going to get to you.
Yes, your friends do have their own issues, and they probably really care about you and want to support you in some way with the bandwidth they’ve got.
Yes, you didn’t experience abuse, and it’s ok to be really hurt and disappointed about not getting the connection you needed and wanted.
Yes, gratitude is a wonderful thing to cultivate, and it’s also important to acknowledge your very real feelings of loss and grief.
Compassion isn’t pie
Compassion isn’t pie. To have some for yourself doesn’t shortchange anyone else.
One of the few drawbacks about pie is that it’s a limited commodity. Sure, you can make or buy more pies in life but when you have one pie, there are limits about how far it can stretch. Even with very small slices, your average pie is going to have a hard time satisfying a group of 25 people. Eating a slice of pie means that there is that much less of it available for anyone else. There’s no magic pie wand that makes more of it every time a slice is taken (if I’m wrong and you DO have a magic pie wand, let me know). We accept this reality, even if it means we end up without pie because we showed up late and it’s all gone.
Sometimes, folks get confused about compassion and think that it’s like pie—that there is only so much to go around and using it up in one spot means there is less available for others. But, good news, folks—it is not like pie! It can renew, and even grow, after use. We are in “Yes, and” territory here. Yes, I can have empathy and compassion for your struggle, AND I can hold my own (very different) struggles with compassion and kindness too. Yes, my heart breaks for the suffering I see in the world around me, AND it’s ok for me to cry about my own loss and sadness. Yes, I can feel overwhelmed & freaked out about my own problem, AND I can listen & care deeply for my friend that calls and needs to talk about hers. What’s really great is that by using compassion for ourselves and others, we can actually grow our capacity for it and have more to give. It’s not pie.
“YES and” & Anxiety: Tips from a Maryland anxiety therapist
Shifting gears a bit, let’s talk about anxiety for a minute. Anxiety can be a tricky thing. We can KNOW that something is likely safe and still have very real anxiety about it. We can agree with lots of logical statements about how the thing that’s freaking us out is probably not an emergency, but our bodies will often not get the message and still be working with that good ol’ fight-or-flight response. Here’s where some “Yes, and” can help.
Anxiety is often like a very loud alarm that is demanding your attention. Think of a smoke detector that has gone off because someone burned popcorn in the microwave again. Sigh. When you hear the fire alarm go off, your brain and body are going to respond immediately, before you even know that it’s because of burnt popcorn instead of a raging inferno. You’re up and out of your seat, nervous system activated in case you need to take action. It’s reasonable that your nervous system responds automatically but it would be unreasonable to start throwing buckets of water everywhere before finding out what’s happening.
Quite often, anxiety will contribute to our nervous system getting activated before we even know what’s happening. Our brains, especially anxious ones, will constantly scan for the threat of danger and, if it registers something that MIGHT be a threat, will automatically react and set the whole sympathetic nervous system, fight-or-flight thing, into action. “Yes, and” can help us be kind but grounded with ourselves. “Yes, something has tripped my danger alert alarm, and I need to find out more before I can have a full picture of what’s going on and how best to react”. The “Yes” part is important because the alarm will keep ringing until it’s acknowledged (and sometimes long afterwards too but we will get to that part in a minute). When anxiety gets activated, there can sometimes be a resistance to acknowledging the reality of what is happening inside us because there’s enough logic in play to make us feel like we “shouldn’t” be activated. But the lack of that acknowledgement can keep that alarm ringing and ringing and ringing because the survival part of us that’s in charge of the alarm system is only concerned with keeping us alive and if it feels like there is a threat you are ignoring, it isn’t going to quiet down. So the “Yes” part is a recognition of the way our brains and nervous systems work—Yes, an alarm is ringing, the alert system is functioning, thank you very much. Then the “and...” part allows us some space to explore the possibilities about what might actually be happening— “and, I don’t see flames or feel heat so let me go find out what’s happening”.
But what about when the alarm just won’t stop ringing? Even when we’ve acknowledged that it’s been activated and we are not facing a survival threat? “Yes, and” allows the possibility of a compassionate but encouraging response to our anxiety responses.
Yes, I can feel my heart pounding before it’s my turn to speak at this meeting, and I know that I am prepared & can use the coping skills I’ve learned to slow down my heart rate.
Yes, I am ruminating about what I fear will go wrong on this trip, and I can remember how I’ve dealt with similar challenges in the past and came through ok.
Yes, I am freaking out about getting my blood drawn, and I know that the hard part will only last a minute & that I can cope for a minute.
Yes, I’m worrying about if what I said at that brunch last week made me sound stupid, and I know that my friends and I have been through a lot of stupid stuff together and still care for each other.
Yes, there is a possibility that the terrible thing I’m fearing could happen, and I’m aware that the odds are against that and that many terrible things I have imagined have not come true.
“Yes, and” for cooperative relationships
Just like “Yes, and” is used to keep an improv scene moving and growing, it can also be used to do the same in our day-to-day relationships. There are often multiple interests, priorities and points of view when you have more than one person. Any sort of negotiation stalls faster and hits more speed bumps of defensiveness and resistance when an opening bid is met with just a “no” or an immediate counterpoint against it. “Yes, and” sends a signal of cooperation and growth, which often helps others want to cooperate with us too and work towards a win-win. We can use this with:
Our partners—"Yes, I also miss fun events like concerts, and I know our budget is really tight right now so what do you think about looking for tickets for free or lower cost music events?”
Our kids—"Yes, that sounds like a really fun event tonight, and I need you to finish your homework before I can take you there”.
In our jobs— “Yes, I hear that this project has become a priority, and I need to know if you want me to put the other project on hold in order to get to it now, or if finishing the prior project first is most important” .
With our friends— “Yes, I’m happy to give you a lift, and I have to be up early tomorrow so we’ll have to leave by 10pm”.
This doesn’t mean that there’s never pushback or resistance, but we’re not adding more to that pile by starting with a “no”. Sometimes we do absolutely have to lead with the “No” and that’s important too. But it’s a tool best used judiciously.
“Yes, and…” allows us the truth of our real experience in the moment, without shame or judgment, AND the option to zoom our perspective out to see a view that includes more than just this feeling or moment. I hope that you will give it a try and see if it might be helpful for you as well!
A free consultation with a maryland Anxiety therapist
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If you are looking for support for anxiety or other concerns, please reach out. I see folks for in-person therapy in College Park, MD and offer online therapy in Maryland. You can explore more information about my services throughout the website. Feel free to contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
