The Foundational Formula For Change From a Maryland Therapist—Part 1
how does therapy work to create change?
Many years ago, a colleague of mine shared a formula for understanding change with me while we were at a training together. The clarity and simplicity of it got my attention and I’ve been thinking about it in all the years since then and realize that it’s at the heart of all the work I do with clients and on myself. My colleague didn’t make this up herself, and I don’t know if who she heard it from made it up, but like one of my favorite mediation teachers says, “All wisdom is plagiarized. Only our ignorance is original”. He probably heard that from someone else. So, with great gratitude to all the people that figured out how to express this idea clearly:
insight + action = change
let’s break this down—Pt. 1, insight
Insight is having some understanding and knowledge about the thing that you are trying to figure out or change, whether it’s a behavior, a feeling, a relationship, or anything else. This might include figuring out the answers to questions such as:
Where did I learn this?
Why do I think/do/feel this?
How does this thing help or harm me?
When did this start or ramp up?
What other understandings/beliefs/relationships/behaviors are linked to this?
How does this actually make sense, given the circumstances of my life?
Being able to puzzle out some of these answers can begin to help you develop a fuller understanding of the situation, yourself, and yourself in relationship to the situation. Therapy is a great way of working through some of this insight work, with a guide that knows the terrain and can help you navigate it. But, honestly, it’s not the only way. There are endless possibilities for exploring these questions. Some of the deepest insight exploration I’ve ever done has been through movement paired with music. In therapy, the insight exploration can be done through talking and reflecting, but we can always bring in other tools as well. Some people respond deeply to art, or meditation, or role plays, or silence, or spiritual practice, or experiential activities that engage the whole person. My undergraduate degree was in theatre so I’m a big believer in constant creation through improvisation—using every resource available that makes sense to use in understanding and deepening the experience of the present moment.
Debunking An Insight Myth or Two
Insight is awesome. And, obviously, a critical part of our foundational formula for change. But, here’s the thing that can really trip a lot of folks up—They think they have to fully understand everything about something in order to change it. The hope is that if they can just figure out every angle to this, understand exactly where, when, why, and how this issue cropped up for them, that they can have the big epiphany that finally lets them drop their difficulty like a heavy suitcase they no longer need to carry. But that’s kind of more like the movies and tv than real life. Yes, sometimes there is a huge “Aha!” moment that profoundly shifts a way of thinking and being, but more often it’s a gradually growing sense of welcoming, understanding and accepting oneself, which opens a possibility of change. And you don’t have to have all the pieces figured out to grow in insight. You don’t have to know exactly where you got an idea that’s causing you suffering in order to gain insight that leads to change. You can develop insight about how that idea is causing suffering right here and now, or how it shows up in your behaviors or in your body. That little bit is enough of a start.
it’s a little like rock climbing
Have you ever watched someone rock climbing, with all the ropes and harnesses and grippy shoes? How do they get their bodies up what looks like a smooth rock face? They use every single itty bitty feature of the rock. During my final semester of college, I took a lead rock climbing class. I had been climbing for a couple of years at that point and wanted to level up and learn how lead climbing worked—being the first one going up the rock face, placing the anchors and hooking in the ropes for all the climbers that come up after you. The class met for a full day once a week and we were not climbing in a gym. We hauled ourselves out to rock faces and learned by doing. Being up on a cliff with no rope above you really focuses your attention! You have to notice and use absolutely every feature of that rock that might be useful—an indent in the rock, a bump that can be a support for a hand or foot, roughly textured rock that can provide enough friction to push against, a crack or crevice to wedge in a foot or equipment. It’s not a climbing gym with clearly defined handholds and routes. It’s a live puzzle and you make progress up the rock face by understanding what small move to make next, and then the next move, and the next, all the way up. Building insight is like that. Observe everything you can about yourself and your situation; consider what makes sense for this moment in the context of everything you know and have learned; utilize all resources available; learn as you go; and adapt as needed. It’s not easy work, but the reward at the top can be breathtaking.
stay tuned for Part two of the Change formula
If you are looking for a Maryland therapist as a guide to work with you on this process of change, contact me and let’s see if we make a good team.
