New Year, Same Me (and that’s ok): More True Confessions from A Maryland Therapist
Constant change is here to stay. Another year is upon us!
Goodbye, 2024! Like every year, there were ups and downs, successes and setbacks, joys and sorrows. And we’re going to do it all again in 2025. As a Maryland therapist, I see that this time of year brings a lot of self-reflections from clients—how the last year went and what they want for themselves in the coming year.
Self-reflection can be a great thing—it’s helpful to regularly take stock of things, evaluate how things are going, see if the path we’ve set for ourselves is still the one we want to be on, and if there are any changes we might like to make. The turning of the year makes a natural reminder of this, just like other annual events such as a birthday or the start of the new school year in the fall (even for those of us who have been out of school for a long time).
Look with Kind Eyes: Tips from a maryland therapist
Can you look upon yourself with kind eyes? Like you are seeing a dear friend again?
One of the pitfalls of these self-reflection times is that it can be really easy to get caught up in focusing on all the shortcomings, all the things still left to do or be, all the ways in which we think things (and we ourselves) will be better once they change in certain ways.
The coordination and balance of both wings makes flight possible.
Ouch. That can get pretty painful and unbalanced. There can be a sense of frustration with ourselves that makes it harder and harder to keep showing up for ourselves well. That can then set us up for further frustration when we, inevitably, hit some road blocks or setbacks on the path to change. It is not a bad thing to want to make changes for yourself—that can be a terrific thing, especially when these changes can improve your well-being, physically, mentally, emotionally, or socially. Having the desire to keep evolving, keep growing is wonderful. But, can we do it kindly?
Can we look upon ourselves with kind eyes? Can we appreciate all the ways in which we have already used our strengths and good qualities to have some wins in our life, our past year? Can we see our aspirational desires for change as just another way of loving ourselves, not as a way of finally earning our own worth and approval? Is it possible that by loving ourselves as we are now that we have the best chance for making positive changes for ourselves? I’d like to think so. It seems like that’s the way I’ve seen it work best, both for my clients and in my own life.
Two Wings, One Heart
In her book, Radical Acceptance, therapist and beloved meditation teacher Tara Brach, talks about awareness being in balance when it is has two strong wings: clear seeing (mindfulness) and compassion. If we don’t see things clearly—if we are not paying attention to, or really understand, how our patterns are impacting us or how our behaviors are affecting our health (for example), it is very hard to have clear awareness about the best way to fly forward in life. But, at the same time, simply having that knowledge isn’t enough, if we don’t also have compassion. If we see all these things about ourselves and are focused on what’s wrong with us and needing to change in order to be ok with ourselves, we will also be flying off course. We need both wings in balance in order to fly with ease, wherever we wish to go.
Last Year’s Model Is Good Enough
Here’s the part where I rant for a second (Welcome back, everyone who tuned into the blants [blog rants] of last year. I’m still kinda grumpy about things this year too!). I just hate the whole, entire, “New year, new you” message that is constantly being sold (yes, sold) to us all in this culture every January. Corporations and industries are counting on our dissatisfaction with ourselves so that they can make money in January when a bazillion people feel like they need to resolve to lose weight after the holidays. They stand ready to sell us diet plans, medications, gym memberships and all kinds of random other things that they tell us we should want because we want a new “me”. The diet industry isn’t the only one in on this “New year, new you” message but I’m extra grumpy with them. The newest phone, car, or computer are also not going to create a new you.
Now, I will admit that I can be a bit of a curmudgeon on some of this. I grew up in New England. The two bits of wisdom that guided 95% of life were:
If you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. If you’re late, that’s unacceptable.
Be resourceful—Use it up, wear it out, make do or do without.
It’s that second one that creeps in when I start losing my mind about the “New Year, New You” message. Being a Gen X’er, I still have memories of household items that my parents had for the entirety of my childhood and never replaced (they still have some of them and they work fine!). Honestly, I do have a bit of a mindset of, “If I have bought a blender/phone/pair of boots/etc, why in the world would I ever have to buy another one?” So, yes, I can be a bit of an outlier on this topic. But, I like to think that I’m at least helping to provide a little bit of counterbalance in a society that tells us we need the newest thing, right away, all the time, and that THIS is going to be what makes our lives happier and better. Most of the time, last year’s model is just fine—the phone, the car, ourselves. It’s fine to want upgrades and improvements with our things and our lives, and we genuinely get some real enjoyment out of them. But can we be a little bit careful too? Can we appreciate that, often times, what we have is already pretty good? Can we start with an assumption of some basic goodness of ourselves, some appreciation for what we’ve already done and how far we’ve already come? I’d like to think that this approach can help us build that strong wing of compassion so that when we do see clearly something that we’d like to change in order to decrease our suffering and/or increase our joy, that we are in a strong position to fly into new possibilities with more ease and lightness.
A free consultation with a maryland therapist
If you are looking for support in making changes in this new year or beyond, please reach out. I see folks for therapy in College Park, MD and offer online therapy in Maryland. You can explore more information about my services throughout the website. Feel free to contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
